Because of my personality, most people don’t realize that I am a true introvert. All my life I have been a home body and shied away from joining in with the group. Even as a child, Mama said I would stand in our yard and watch the other kids playing, yearning to be a part, but unable to make myself step over the safety of that boundary.
What would make me respond that way? Fear, I suppose. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough to play. Fear of being made fun of. You know all those things that muddle our thinking. If you are an introvert, then you understand. If you’re an extrovert, then you think I’m just simply crazy!!
Les was an extrovert. He met people easily. I leaned on him to make the first move, but now I don’t have him to lean on. That is terrifying in so many ways.
Widowhood has opened up many new fears. For over 6 years now, I have felt as if I am floundering. That doesn’t mean I am sad or depressed. It just means I don’t know my place anymore. I was a wife. Now I’m not. I was part of a couple. Now I’m not.
My life is full and busy. It is productive. But I still feel out of place. Does that feeling every go away? So far, it hasn’t.
Occasionally, someone invites me over, and I am so thankful, but when I find myself the only solo person in the group, it is hard. It takes me back to those early days of widowhood when I felt like everyone could look at me and see a neon sign flashing “Alone, alone, alone.” Or even worse, they didn’t see me at all. No one deliberately does anything to make me feel this way, but those ugly feelings wrap themselves around me like plastic wrap, smothering me. The introvert in me wants nothing but to retreat to the safety of my own home. It is here I can block out the real world and feel peace.
In His faithfulness, God reminds me when I get this way, that He loves me and that He has a plan, a perfect plan, for my life. Jason wasn’t aware of it, but his sermon this morning was meant for me. God used his word as a gentle reminder that I can trust Him even when the way seems wrong. He has a purpose for my life even if I can’t see it or understand it at the moment. He is a good, good Father and He makes no mistakes.
Will I ever not feel like I’m floundering? Maybe. Maybe not. But even in my floundering, I am loved and that is truly enough.
Lots of love, Sharon