One of the most difficult parts of widowhood for me has been the sense of deep loneliness I have struggled through. This is the loneliness that enfolds you even in the midst of a sea of people. Perhaps you have to experience it to understand it and I pray you don’t have to. Although it will have been 6 years on the 19th of this month and my dad is now living with me, that loneliness still washes over me.
No amount of people can fill the place in you that was filled by your life partner. It is a feeling of only being a part of a whole person and I guess that’s normal, as two become one flesh and one of the two is missing.
All weekend, I fought between 2 intense feelings; the need to have some alone time from being a caretaker and the need to not feel lonely. Does that make any sense at all??? I can tell you widowhood doesn’t make much sense to me!
Daddy and I spent the weekend at the beach and it was an absolutely beautiful weekend. It didn’t feel at all like what we think November should feel. This morning I donned by bathing suit, grabbed my book, my phone, my sun reading glasses, and my beach chair and spent an hour soaking up the beauty of God’s creation. The closest people to me were quite a ways down the beach. It was just me and the waves. There I was, away from responsibility for a short while and yet, I felt so alone.
As I’ve done so much over these past 6 years, I lost myself in a book. I’ve always loved to read, but for many years, life didn’t allow much time for it. Now it is my earthly salvation. Losing myself in the words takes me to another place and another time.
It is as I was finishing up the short story I was reading that I looked up and “saw” God’s voice. Directly in front of me was this huge huddle of sea birds, about 75 of them (yes, I counted them!). There were none to my right and only a couple to my left.
But right there in front of me I “saw” God say “You are not alone.”
I know that, but it sure is nice to be reminded once in a while. It is reassuring to know that the God who created everything cares about me and won’t leave me stranded without an Anchor.
Thank you, Father, for opening my eyes to “see” Your voice.
Lots of love, Sharon