It’s amazing how we can adjust to change even when we really don’t care for change. Yes, it takes time, but the adjustment does eventually come. As I find myself almost a 6 year widow, I realize my life has taken on its own rhythm. Most days I am happy as a clam just going about my business (or lack thereof sometimes!) without even thinking about how my life was “supposed” to be. Being somewhat of a loner has certainly helped in that department. The problem with “aloneness” for a self-described loner is that it gets to the point that being alone is all you really want. And therein lies a problem!!
God didn’t create us to be alone. In fact, in Genesis it says that He looked at His newly formed man and said it wasn’t good for him to be alone. He needed a companion. When I think about that verse, I can get upset that I no longer have my companion, my soul mate. We were supposed to grow old together; not me left here to do that alone. Yet I know that God has a plan and it is a perfect plan even if I don’t understand it. So I choose to trust Him and His promises even on the days I struggle.
Most people don’t see me as an introvert since I am such a talker and quite opinionated. But deep down inside of me is that little girl that has always found it hard to make the first move toward any kind of relationship. Les was the extrovert so I just let him take care of all that. I have to make myself reach out to people. It’s simply easier to sit at home and read.
But there again, God didn’t create us to be alone. So I swallow hard and allow the Holy Spirit to give me the courage to make that phone call or visit that neighbor or invite those other widow ladies over for a meal. Early on in this journey, I found out that I would sit at home alone unless I was the one who reached out to others. Sometimes it does bother me that I do quite a bit of inviting but get very few invitations in return, but perhaps that is because other people struggle just as much as me in this area.
I’ve shared with you before how my daddy who is now 87 years old has had women fawning over him since the day of Mama’s funeral. Even now, with oxygen and a walker, they still smile those big old smiles and curry favor from him. BLESS!!! He wouldn’t have to be alone for a moment if he so desired. It is quite hilarious, actually. Is it that innate need for companionship that draws women to him? Perhaps. Of course, that great smile of his is a definite “chick” magnet!!!
On those days that I am not “happy as a clam,” I can get on my pity-pot. After all, I am 25 years younger than my “chick magnet” dad. That alone should give me headway in the “magnet” department, right? Guess what? It doesn’t work that way. Women are WAY more aggressive than men it seems. Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking for a husband!!!!!! I will let God take care of that if and when He so desires. But let’s face it, we all have a desire to be desired. It all goes back to Genesis and it not being good for people to be alone. [Please understand that today is a “happy as a clam” day, but since this is a blog about the journey of widowhood, I am sharing some of the things with which I struggle at times.]
The only men who hit on me are already married. Go figure. They don’t mind telling me how they would be standing on my doorstep if they were single. And they seem genuinely shocked that I haven’t been snatched up. I smile, thank them for the words their wives would be unhappy with, and laughingly remind them they are married. Then I walk away with a smile in my heart because I needed to hear those words. We all do.
It’s hard for me to think I could live 30 years alone and yet, I have become used to my singleness. God said it wasn’t good for us to be alone and being the awesome Father that He is, He took care of that, too. In the book of Isaiah, chapter 54, the end of verse 4 and beginning of verse 5, it says “And (I) will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband.” God is referring specifically to the nation of Israel in the book of Isaiah, but it is meant for us, too. Widowhood in those days was quite different than it is for us here in America. I have the means to take care of myself. Widows then, and many places in the world today, had to remarry quickly or risk starvation and humiliation. God loves widows and orphans. He mentions them repeatedly in the Word and made special “rules” to see that they were cared for.
Did you see what verse 5 says? “For your Maker is your husband.” Wow! God has promised to be a husband to me. I can definitely live with that!!!!! Amazing grace, unending mercy, sacrificial love. What girl could ask for more?
So, as I wade through this life, I am not alone. Yes, there are times I get lonely, but I try to rectify that by reaching out to someone else who may feel exactly as I do. And I remind myself of the promises of God.
Lots of love, Sharon