Maybe it’s this soupy hot weather. Maybe it’s knowing of recent losses that remind me so much of my own. Maybe it’s the not sleeping well for these past few weeks. Or maybe it’s just the cycle of grief. All I know is that right now I am struggling with my emotions. I have hit a bump in the road.
For almost 6 years, I have written our journey of sickness and death and all that entails. I have tried to be as transparent as possible, yet encouraging to those of you who are “fresh” to this journey called widowhood.
Last week, I spoke briefly with a new widow who said she hoped things would get back to normal soon. (What exactly is “normal?”) I just looked at her and smiled and said that things would never be the same. She hasn’t had time to even realize she will have to establish her own “new normal.”
You would think at this point in my life I would be settled and accepting of my place. Please don’t send me Scriptures about this being where God would have me at this time because I know them. AND I BELIEVE THEM!!!! And I, for the most part, rest in the assurance of them. But sometimes I just get unsettled. After all, I am human just like everyone else.
This is not at all the way I had my life planned. Les and I were going to grow old together. He was finally going to quit working all the time and we were going to enjoy being together. Alas, alack. That was not God’s plan and although I trust His plan, I have to tell you flat-out that I DON”T LIKE IT!!!
I know women who have been widowed for over 30 years and they have survived. I will survive, too. But the thought of that for me is almost more than I can stand right now. I have always loved quiet time at home, but waking up every morning to an empty house gets old real quick. I miss being able to share my joys and my struggles, my aches and my pains, my ups and my downs with Les. God has so blessed me with a beautiful home and all I could ever want, but it loses its luster when there’s no one to share it.
Yes, I am having a huge pity party!!! Please pray that I can settle back down, trust God completely, and flourish in this stage of my life. There is much to be thankful for and I don’t want to let the negatives cause me to miss the positives. Right now, that’s what is happening. My hope is that when I hit the publish button for this post that the weight on my shoulders will take flight along with these words. Sharing my heart with you has proven to be great therapy in the past.
Lots of love, Sharon