A Place of Darkness

I’m not really sure why, but it always seems easier to write on this blog when the days are the darkest.

Maybe it’s because we just take life and God for granted on the “brighter” days.

I would love to be able to tell you that I am doing just fine, but that would not be truthful.

THE FACT IS, I’M NOT DOING WELL AT ALL!!!!

This was my second Christmas since Les moved to be with Jesus.

Somehow, I thought it would be kinda “normal.”

Thanksgiving came and went without a hiccup, but then it hit.

Christmas and all we’ve made it just didn’t appeal to me in any way, form, or fashion.

The thoughts of shopping almost gagged me.

But then, I got started on my list and things went pretty well.

“Okay, I can do this,” I told myself.

The house looked good and the gifts were all wrapped at least a week before Christmas.

So far, so good.

THEN, on Sunday, December 16th, Aunt Margaret took a really bad fall,

breaking a bone over her eye and breaking her kneecap in 3 pieces.

Memories of Mama and all her falls filled my mind.

THEN, on Monday, December 17th, Les’ brother went to LMH with chest pains which

turned out to be bacterial paracarditis.  Very rare. Very serious.

THEN, on Tuesday, December 18th, he coded!

10-12 minutes with no pulse.

That led to an emergency procedure to draw the fluid out from around his heart

and him being placed on a ventilator before he was flown to Greenville, where he still remains today.

Survival was iffy.

Honestly, we didn’t think he’d make it ’til Christmas.

Christmas isn’t supposed to be a time to think about death, but there it was staring us in the face.

Thankfully, he did survive and will soon be coming home, although his complete recovery will take some time.

Death.  Staring. Me. In. The. Face.

No matter how hard I tried, I just could not separate what was happening to my brother-in-law

from what happened with Les.

The pain just surfaced.

I spent Christmas Eve night with Stacey, Mike and the children.

Lesley and I shared her room, with me on the trundle.

It was especially nice on Christmas morning when she snuggled down with me and we sang “Happy Birthday” to Jesus

and waited for the rest of the house to awaken.

Watching the children open their gifts was joyful.

The best part was when Timothy could only jump up and down, up and down, to express his joy over a gift.

I am so thankful for the privilege of being with them.

But the pain was still there.

  So the next day, I “hunkered down” out of choice.

I just simply wanted to be alone.

I still do.

Although this was my choice, I know it wasn’t what was best for me.

The enemy has encamped around me and thrown fiery darts continuously at me.

I have become “edgy” and almost paranoid.

My primary care-giver says I am suffering from some depression.

Everything she said about how depression affects us, I fit.

Everything!

I will be going for some much-needed counseling soon.

You know what?

I recognize where I am.

I’m not kidding myself.

I just don’t know how to pull out from it.

People have told me for years how much they admire my strength.

Of course, I know it’s not my strength, but God’s.

But right now, I don’t even think I have that.  I can’t seem to connect.

My prayers amount to little more than “groaning.”

The truth is: I just hurt!

And even though I know I’m not and never will be,

I feel totally alone and as if I’m drowning.

All I can do is just hang on to the TRUTH I know.

God is for me.

He loves me with an everlasting love.

His thoughts toward me are precious.

His plan is good and perfect.

He never leaves me nor forsakes me.

I could go on and on with His promises for my life, for their numbers are vast.

I will be okay. 

I will come out of this dark place.

Until then, please just love me unconditionally and visibly.

I need it more than I think I ever have.

Lots of love, Sharon


5 thoughts on “A Place of Darkness

  1. Sharon I am sad that you are so sad. I wish I were there with you right now to give you a hug. I don’t think I have any words to say that you don’t already know. I thank God that you do have His promises tucked inside your heart and you know they are true. You can stand on them, and in time, you will be able to feel them again. Don’t be hard on yourself. You have been so strong for so long and after a while, we just have to give in to our weakness. You were so strong when Les was sick, the whole time. You stood before God and all your family and friends and praised God at the memorial service. Wow, all of that is such an awesome witness for who you are and how big your God is.

    It is now time for Sharon. Be what you have to be for this moment in time. I promise you, it is going to pass. But for now, it is ok to be where you are. Love up on Jesus and rest. He is right there with you, just as you know. Spring is coming. There will be warmth, new growth and blooming, and so it will be for you, too.

    I would love for you to come join my bible study on Tuesday mornings at 10:00. It is “Call to Discipleship” and we are in Genesis. It is a group of ladies that are very dear to my heart. We watch a video and then break into small groups. As a matter of fact just yesterday, one of the ladies in my small group, who lost her husband a little over a year ago, said she was still trying to figure out where she belongs and what she was supposed to do. I made reference to “a friend of mine from Kinston” has shared the same feelings with me. Pray about coming. If you don’t like it, you won’t have to come back. New Bern, as you know, is just a hop and skip from Kinston. We meet at the church where we had the luncheon. Bring someone with you if you like. I know you already know so much about what is being taught, but you can learn to love new friends and sisters in Christ. I look forward to hearing from you.

    I will keep you in my prayers. I love you Sharon.

    Maudith

    _____

  2. I am so sorry that you are going through such a dark tunnel. Like Maudith said, Spring will be a much better time for you both in real life and in what you are going through. This particular time of year isn’t much fun for even the happiest of people. I’m not at all sure why God had you experience what you did at Christmas, bringing up all of those unpleasant memories, but it must have been a necessary or important part of your grieving journey. We will continue to pray for you. I know that God has better days in store for you. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could press fast-forward through this awful time?? We love you…

  3. Sharon, I think the comments by some dear friends prior to this message from me says a lot. I have not stood in your shoes yet, but I do want you to know how much I love you and to tell you myself that your Heavenly Father does know you by name and he will bless you because we know the scriptures tell us that after the trial cometh the blessings. It takes a LOT of faith to get through the trials of this life but if we can make it we will one day be reunited with our family members that have left us for a little season, I have a firm testimony of this. I am at the same age now as when my mother passed away and floods of memories come back for me . Its a day to day process when we are separated for this time from the ones we love so so much. I to feel that it may be time for a little help medically and there is nothing wrong with this , this I feel is an answer to one of your prayers that you have been able to see and realize this for yourself at this time. This does not mean that great inner strength that you have is still not inside of you because it is I know that it is. We have all felt this way for one reason or another at times ourselves. Is hard no other way to describe it and all trials of faith are different but with the Lord daily on our side we will make it . A prophet once said , “He did not promise us it would be easy ,(this life), but it would be worth it.” Sharon I love you, again, I want to take this time to thank you personally for being there for me through my trials, you and Les. It meant so much!!!!

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