Elijah, the Old Testament prophet, prayed down fire from heaven and defeated the 400 priests of Baal. It is a story of great faith that leaves me ecstatic when I read it. God really showed up big-time that day! But what follows is sometimes hard to fathom. Here was Elijah on a spiritual high, yet the queen, Jezebel, puts the squeeze on him and he runs. He runs in fear and find himself sitting on his pity-pot, feeling alone and broken.
My first reaction is to wonder how this could happen to Elijah. How could all be so right and, then, all be so wrong? Have you experienced that same type of high and low? I know I have. In fact, that is where I find myself right now. I see God’s hand at work all around me and in me, yet I have hit a hard patch. The pain has cycled around once more. This past week, if you read my last post, you know how I was able to be God’s hands and feet at several different ministry events. What joy there was in praying over shoe boxes and washing children’s feet, replacing their old worn-out, sometimes too little or too big shoes.
So why do I feel so alone and broken this week? I know I’m not alone, but that’s how I feel right now. Alone and broken. Marriage is a covenant partnership. Two become one. If you took two sheets of paper and glued them together, that would represent what a marriage covenant is to be. Of course, if you try to separate those two sheets of paper, you will find that you really can’t. Part of one sheet always remains glued to the other and vice-versa. So, I am broken. My “two become one” is now one trying to move forward. Part of “me” is missing and it hurts more than I can describe.
Although this is my second Thanksgiving and Christmas season without Les, I guess I was just in a state of numbness last year. This one, so far, is turning out to be much, much harder. Reality has definitely sunk in! Busyness doesn’t remove the pain. In fact, many times I feel more alone in a crowd than I do when I am actually alone. Attending functions, having to walk in alone, is a dreaded chore. I find myself over-reacting to the simplest things. This woman whom everyone thinks is so strong really isn’t that strong.
I would love to be able to just explain how I feel in simple, easy terms, but I can’t. Only those of you who are walking in my shoes can truly understand. I can tell you that I don’t know where I “fit” anymore. When Les took his last breath here on earth, I was moved to a different “club.” I didn’t ask to move there, but it happened just the same. I am now a “single” woman which changes everything with everyone. It changes the way people perceive me. It’s not done on purpose. Unfortunately, it’s just the way it is.
Today, if I could have one wish, it would be to go back to my old life before Les found out he was sick. Our life wasn’t perfect by any means, but I surely miss it.
This cycle of feeling alone and broken will pass. It always does. God is with me and He continues to strengthen me. Just as He sent ravens to feed Elijah in his down-time, He comforts me with His Word and His Spirit. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. I absolutely know this and absolutely believe this! So, I will be okay. He will re-work this clay pot so I am no longer broken and then He will use me as He has already planned.
Lots of love, Sharon